INTRODUCTION
Neil Perry was a young man attending the exclusive,
Welton Academy in Vermont. He was a bright student whose father wanted
him to become a doctor. Neil was not sure what he would like to do with
his life but in dutiful obedience he conformed to his father’s wishes by
diligently applying himself to his pre-med academic studies. However, he
felt stifled. Inwardly his heart ached for something else but he was not
sure what that would be. Then he met John Keating a brilliant Welton alumnus
who earned the respect and admiration of the faculty. Keating had just
graduated from college and was returning to Welton to teach poetry. Played
by actor Robin Williams, John Keating does more than teach poetry in the
popular movie, Dead Poet’s Society. He teaches Neil and his classmates
how poetry can be used to discover and enrich their inner soul. Keating
calls them to step beyond the limitations and perceptions of their world.
He persuades them through inspirational antics and much laughter, to loosen
their school ties, to embrace the moment and enjoy life. Through his friendship
the students discover a sense of self-autonomy and confidence. Neil learns
that he has the heart of an actor not a doctor. He feels called to the
stage not operating room. His father becomes enraged to learn of his son’s
decision. Neil’s father insists that his son disavow any thought of a theatrical
career and concentrate only on his academic studies. Torn between his inner
call and the dictatorial demands of his father, Neil makes a tragic decision.
Zebedee, the father of James and John, may
have been able to empathize with Neil’s father. He had dreams for his sons.
Ever since they were small boys he looked forward to the day that he would
turn his fishing business over to them. They were good boys, they obeyed
their father. They were hard workers and quick learners. Zebedee knew that
John was a dream. He loved to ask questions about God. He had a fascination
with asking questions that no one else had thought about, sometimes the
“what ifs,” would get wearisome but the father never wanted to stifle his
inquisitive mind. Zebedee may have hoped that by allowing his sons to spend
time with The Baptist that some of that religious enthusiasm would get
worked out of his system. However, the father was not sure if their brief
stay in the wilderness had satisfied their zeal. After John had been arrested
they both returned to their boats but they kept taking time to go and listen
to a new rabbi from Nazareth. Most of the village had heard him teach in
the synagogue. Zebedee himself had listened with great interest on one
Sabbath. The man spoke with authority and had marvelous insight into the
Law and the Prophets. His boys could not stop talking about him. Zebedee
could see that their hearts were just not in their work. Then one day that
man walked up to his sons and asked them to follow him. Father and sons
all knew what that meant. They would abandon their boats. They would give
up the security of a good income They would become dependent on the generosity
of others. His boys turned and looked into their father’s eyes for guidance.
What should they do? Would their father give them permission to pursue
their dream or would he demand that they stay and fulfill their role as
sons?
The day that Jesus called his first disciples,
James and John were not the only ones who had a choice to make. Zebedee,
their father, also faced an important decision. Most writers tragically
ignore Zebedee’s struggle. Unconsciously we reject the notion of parental
authority. We live in an age that values autonomy, the individuals right
to determine their own destiny. But those were not the values in Capernaum
the day that Jesus recruited men to join his fellowship. The opinion of
the father was honored. The sons were expected to follow in their father’s
footsteps. It made life easy, there were fewer decisions, fewer choices.
A child did not have to worry about having enough money to get an education.
He was in school the day he learned to walk. A young person did not have
to worry about raising investment capital, whatever belonged to the father
belonged to the son. Zebedee would have rightfully assumed that he would
pass on to his two sons his boats, his nets and his livelihood. He could
have asked them to ignore the invitation by this new itinerate preacher.
He could have asked them to a chose a more practical career, that offered
greater security and less risk.
Much of what I have said is pure speculation.
It does not come from the authoritative texts of Scripture but the highly
subjective thoughts of contemplation. It is built on premise that Mark
recorded of Zebedee, by name, because that he was well-known throughout
the early church, by name. Simon and Andrew were probably not fishing alone
but no one from their boat is mentioned by name. The names of their parents
are not recorded in Scripture nor are the family names of the other disciples,
except for James the son of Alphaeus. That mention was probably due more
to distinguish the two men than highlight their father.
Later we learn that Zebedee’s wife kept in
touch with her sons and tried to secure for them a promotion. While Jesus
reprimanded her at the time, I believe that the Mark would not have recorded
it unless both the mother and her sons and learned form the situation.
They may have even become models of humility and servitude. For me this
evidence appears to suggest the possibility that the parents of James and
John were members of the first century church. Rather than disinherit them,
or prevent them from making a hasty decision, Zebedee may have offered
to his sons the emotional and financial support that earned him the respect
and admiration of the first century church. Therefore we would do well
for us to consider the issues the older man struggled with the day his
sons left him to follow Jesus. Many of you have older children who have
families of their own. You might argue that you have already wrestled with
these issues. My question to you is, have you?
Last year Carol and I visited Berlin Germany.
The Iron Curtain came down nearly 10 years ago but the scars of a divided
nation were still visible. The new Germany was still in the throes of rebuilding
and restoring the nation. New government office buildings were being constructed
for a new capital; old buildings were being remolded, their barricaded
windows were being reopened to allow the person to look to the west. The
projects were several years from completion. Eventually Berlin will become
a world attraction, for commerce, entertainment and politics but it will
take time and a lot of work. The crisis of separation may have taken place
years ago but the hurts and pain still remain. Unless you have been very
intentional about healing the broken relationship they will not be healed
natural. Unresolved hurts from the past may be keeping you and your children
from establishing a close relationship today.
TO LET GO
The most obvious struggle that any parent has
is the struggle to let go. It is difficult for a parent to release their
children. Although the tension between parent and teen often makes it much
easier, a parent natural wants to hold onto their baby. Parents rightfully
feel a sense of ownership with their children. They brought into the world.
Children are a gift of God but they owe their biological existence to their
parents. That biological connection becomes the source of a very powerful
emotional bond. The first cord is cut on the first day of school. When
mom says good bye for a few hours. It is not the time of separation that
bothers mom but the realization that her baby is growing up is no longer
dependant on her.
Sometimes parents struggle to let go. They
do not allow their son to develop his own unique identity. They place an
emotional lien on their daughter and send the compromising message, “Go
if you must, but if you do, I’ll die.” The challenge for every parent is
releasing their child in order that she or he may learn to fly.
Two dads were talking at work about their
children. One of them was lamenting over the travels of his daughter. She
decided to drop out of college and spend a year traveling with friends
throughout South America. To date she contracted dengue fever in Ecuador
and had her backpack stolen in Bogota. She met several men in Rio and the
one she has fallen in love with has joined the group. She has run out of
money twice and they have had to deposit money in her local bank twice.
“You raise them to be independent, self-reliant, and to think for themselves,”
the one dad says, “and then you spend the rest of your life worrying while
they do it.”
ACCEPTING THEIR CHOICES
The second struggle for any parent is to accept
their child’s career choice. My-son-the-doctor and my-daughter—the-lawyer
are status phrases that parents use to link their children’s choices with
status, money, and power. We may shake our heads over Neil Perry’s father
pushing him to pursue a career in medicine but it is difficult to resist
the temptation to prod or encourage our offspring into vocations that would
enhance their social status. One author writes:
We worship at the altar of professionalism,
undervalue the acquisition of useful skills, deride blue-collar and service
occupations as not worthy of our children’s talents, and/or project onto
them our own unrealized ambitions.
One father admitted that when his daughter took
a job repairing Birkenstocks but he was too embarrassed to tell his mother.
She had predicted that her granddaughter would be the first woman chief
justice after the young girl had one a high school debate. Dad told his
mom that she had taken a position in “apparel merchandising.” Later a friend
admitted telling co-workers that his son was in the medical field after
the boy was hired to be a hospital orderly.
The struggle to accept the career path of
our children is understandable. We have invested a lot of time—you did
not spend all those hours on the ball field to raise an interior decorator.
Parents spend a lot of money on their children’s education. You want more
to show for it than their dishpan hands. We want them to be happy but we
want them to be happy the way we would be happy. There comes a point when
we simply have to accept their choice.
On the day that James and John walked away
from their nets, Zebedee had to accept the choice they made.
YOU DID YOUR BEST
What do you think Zebedee thought about when
rumors came to him about the confrontations between Jesus and the religious
authorities? How do you think he handled the twisting in his stomach when
he heard that the Pharisees wanted to kill Jesus? Like any parent he wondered
if he had done
the right thing. He probably wondered if
he had made the right decision.
The second struggle of discipleship for any
parent is accepting that you did you best. The bad news of parenting is
that even if your stretch marks are a faint memory and your ready for late
night feedings your do not have a second chance. The good news is that
even if you were not June Cleaver or Maria Van Trapp you need to remind
yourself that you did you best.
We enter into every relationship and situation
with both our strengths and our weaknesses. Often we are able to draw on
our strengths and respond with wisdom and clarity of mind, to share feelings
of love and support. And then there are those times when the baggage of
our own hurts gets in the way. We are short tempered; judgmental, uncooperative
and self centered; the Dr Jekell and Mr Hyde complex rages within us. We
make mistakes and say things that we regret. We make decisions that do
not consider the needs or interests of other. Conflict develops and relationships
become strained and even broken. We all have experience that we would like
to relive but we can never go back. Even if we did, we would have no guarantee
that we would do things any differently.
Kelsey’s family spent every summer at their
cabin located on Golden Pond NH. Away from the pressures of the academic
world, the cabin retreat was a time for the family to enjoy life together
but it was also a time for a clash of wills. Dad had been an outstanding
diver in college and he wanted his daughter to follow in his footsteps
but she could never master the back flip. Each summer dad tried to teach
her how to perform the reverse somersault but each summer ended in failure.
The struggle on the diving board came to epitomize the relationship between
father and daughter. Kelsey was a mature woman when she met her parents
at the cabin to celebrate their 48th summer retreat.
Throughout the week, she and her dad relived
their parent child conflicts. Just after a very tension verbal exchange
her mom, played by Kathraine Hepburn, took Kelsey aside and pleaded with
her saying, “Try to understand, your father did the best that he could.”
Isn’t that what we said to our children when
they were growing up, it doesn’t matter if you team wins or loses, just
make sure you did the best that you could. It doesn’t matter if you get
straight A’s, just do you best. Now we need to say those very words to
ourselves.
1. Jane Adams, I’m Still Your Mother: How to get
along with your grown-up children for the rest of your life, (New York:
Delacorte Press, 1994), p. 81. Many of the thoughts and illustrations come
from this book to site each one would be repetitious. |
